Today, I ended it with a guy I was dating. I had been getting jealous and feeling insecure about the relationship because he wants to chase other women. He likes to go to events, hunt his prey, get their number, text them, call them, have dinner with them, and if they meet his criteria — f*ck them.
At the beginning I didn’t care, but my feelings for him deepened, and he said his feelings for me deepened so I opened my heart and I let him in, but the problem was that he didn’t change. I felt that if I was everything to him (like he said I was) that he wouldn’t need other women. I tried countless times to tell him that this won’t end well for me. That I am the one who will get hurt. That he would be emotionally unaffected and be able to walk away and move on to the next shiny new toy, while I end up crushed. He always professed his love, asked me to stay, said he would be there for me through the ups and downs, but I could see it was taking a toll on him. In an attempt to get us back to where I felt secure again, I worked up the courage to tell him I need him to cut back on the number of women he is chasing…to narrow it down to me and one other woman. He said he would try. It lasted a blissful 6 hours but then he was back to his P.I.M.P. ways. I was hurt again.
Don’t confuse what I am saying and think I want marriage or even a monogamous boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Nope, I just wanted to know I was important, and for me ‘important’ is defined as not needing other women (what I want). He didn’t like this. He says that I knew he was this way from the beginning, that he loves all women, and that I was once fine with this arrangement. All true and valid points, but what he doesn’t understand is that I’ve changed. I can’t predict the future and when I agreed in the past to be ok with everything I was ok, but now I’m not and now it hurts. He thinks I am being emotional (and this is what he doesn’t like), but again, what he doesn’t realize is that he only met me half way. I gave him all of my heart and my soul and he started to give but then he stopped. He said he loved me and wanted me in his life and that I gave him reason to live and I kept him strong and that I was a blessing yet he only gave me part of his love. The rest was saved up for the next best thing. This incomplete love hurts people and when people get hurt they get sad and with sadness comes emotion.
I wish we could stay together and that he would try to commit. But until that happens, I can’t continue to be sad. Maybe this is selfish of me, but this pain is affecting me. I have a job, I have a life outside of my life with him, and his running the streets has caused me to question who I am and what I bring to a relationship. By always looking for something better than me he has made me feel less than amazing. No guy has ever made me feel this way in a relationship. It hurts. He said to me I have all the control right now, but I disagree, I believe the control is equal. He can change this situation just as I can, but he chooses not to. He chooses to keep chasing after something better. If he could promise that he would reassure me that I am special and important to him when he is out chasing then we could return to a blissful state, but he says that he feels this is having to ‘prove himself’ and he doesn’t want to do it. He has made it clear where he stands and here we are.
I believe we are ending everything amicably. We had plans this weekend but he wants to take a break and not see each other. That’s cool – I don’t blame him for that. He doesn’t like drama and to him emotions = drama. I will take this time to heal my heart and pack up my life with him. I will close that chapter and move on to the next. For what its worth, I did love him more deeply than I have ever loved anyone (all the reasons I loved you). I opened my heart more for him than anyone. I trusted him. I was ready to stand by his side as his equal to love him and support him always (not just til September). I was ready to accept him just as he is and to embrace his family as part of my own. I honestly believed we were brought together for a higher purpose, to be strong, to love unconditionally, to hold each other up when we were falling, to embrace the passion we felt, and to love without worry.
Damn, I thought he felt the same way! Such a stupid, stupid girl I can be.
miss you love you, baby!