I’ve discovered that I hate to cuddle. I avoid it. I have someone in my life that likes to cuddle and a few months ago after we screwed around he asked me to lie down next to him and chill. I couldn’t do it. I was fidgeting, I was talking, I was moving around. After 10 minutes I was up, out the door and left his house. As he pointed out recently, I was gone so fast he wasn’t sure my feet touched the ground. I ran. And, I did it because I was avoiding something real.
In yoga practices they teach you to “quiet the mind”. They use this practice to center yourself, control your mind, and to open you up to receive the energy around you. Cuddling forces me to quiet my mind. While I can quiet my mind during yoga or during meditation, quieting it while lying with someone I love is quite different. I see now that it brings up my “stuff” about being with someone and trusting them. All of the unresolved pain of past relationships (romantic or otherwise) and I don’t even realize it is happening. And, instead of dealing with it I run. I pull away. I push it back down and say “I’m not going to accept this right now” and I am out the door.
I can trace this pattern back to all of my guys. I would even be so bold to tell my men in advance that I don’t cuddle just to set their expectation. I have run so many times, heck, I will even do the dishes and laundry to avoid it.
I have since tried to cuddle. Hmm, very interesting process. My guy explained to me how this works:
1) We lay together (TV or music are optional)
2) We can kiss but usually you just lay together
3) You can close your eyes
4) You can sleep
5) Let go and be in the moment
My response: don’t we get bored? But this is me avoiding the “stuff”. He did tell me that if I want to make a to-do list in my head while I am lying there I can. Baby steps. (I just love his sarcasm) But, he added that I shouldn’t run away.
I’ll let you know how it goes over the next few months.