Falling into love can be so easy, but the climb out of love can be so painful.
I have this image of a woman falling head first into a bottomless pit. Falling faster, harder. She can’t control it (similar to Alice falling down the rabbit hole). As this woman is free-falling she is experiencing every sensation. She is letting go. She is happy. But one day she realizes this cannot continue forever. She knows this needs to stop. She reaches her hand out into the vast darkness and she is able to grab hold of a branch. When she does her body and mind halt and the pain and realization hit her. She was trying to find someone in the darkness, someone she thought was with her during this fall, someone she thought would always be by her side, but she is alone. She understands now that she has always been alone. She begins the slow climb back up, not knowing how far she fell only knowing it hurts with each inch forward. This pain will be with her for a long time, but she continues. Eventually, she sees light and she becomes stronger. She is energized. She moves through the top of the hole. She is reborn.
I am in a similar situation and want to climb my way out of love. So, I began my journey back up and I mentioned my quest to a friend. He paused and asked me “aren’t you being selfish? what about the guy and what he wants?” He is correct. I am being selfish. I don’t want to get hurt. If I do get hurt it will hurt more this time than any other because I have dropped my walls and fully opened myself up to this person. I trust this person. I can say I trust him more than I love him and to me trust is more powerful.
Why do I feel that he will hurt me? Because a part of me believes I love him more than he loves me. You see, I am the side chick, which means he has a main chick, which means a part of him is in love with her too. While I give 100% of myself to him, I only get 80% of him. In all fairness to him, he has been honest and respectful with me and he has made it clear that the main chick is not leaving his life and he wants to keep things with me as they are. That is what HE wants….but do I want to be only 80% of someone’s heart, mind and soul?
Where do I go from here? I have decided that I’m not going to try to climb out of this, run away from him (or push him away) and play it safe. Instead I am going to let go, stop thinking about the future, and create as many magical moments as I can with him. I am going to celebrate life and love with him. I will hang out with him, enjoy him, and, who knows, maybe even take a mini-vaca. I am going to explore the feelings and let everything evolve organically. I am going to embrace the love and the pain when it comes at me and if it ends, then it ends. So be it, but at least the relationship will die with love.
Such a stupid, stupid girl I can be sometimes, but, I have faith, and faith is free of all logic and analysis. Wish me luck.